I Get Restless

  Alright, Anna, let's talk.  So you hate yourself.  Why? It's not like you always have.  You never understood it in your younger days, how a person could really hate themselves, because you never did.  What's changed? Maybe there's just more to hate.  Maybe you were fine before, and now you're not.  It started with Ferdinand, when your insecurities came up in ugly ways, and you looked at yourself for the first time and thought I don't know or like this person . So maybe it's because one guy (okay, two) decided you weren't enough.  But so what?  You always knew from your older siblings that you weren't enough.  You learned to be okay with that.  You got through it with yourself, and didn't break up in the middle.  You were okay. But...your older siblings stayed.  They never left you because you weren't enough.  They loved you anyway, because they had to.  Because they're family.  It's okay to not be enough w...

 So, remember how I said there should be some different content on today if all goes according to plan?  Things did not go according to plan.   Therefore, that's postponed until tomorrow, and will look different than even I thought. Second thing is, I listed some songs yesterday, but left out one of the most important ones.   Running Just in Case - Miranda Lambert This was initially a post-Ferdinand era song, and defined that time in my life best.  Of all songs I've ever heard, this one best described how I felt then, in everything from the lyrics to the melody to the production.  Obviously, it doesn't have to be literal to sum up how I'm feeling (no one has a tattoo of my name, for example). There's a wandering there, a weariness, and the kind of strength that you don't realize you had until you've exhausted every other strength, and then you get to one that seems bottomless.   But listen to it, and see if you don't agree that there's a...

With how much time I've been spending in the car lately, you can guess that I've been listening to a lot of music.  Right now, though, I'm not going to talking so much about what I've been listening to overall, but instead bringing a few specific songs to your attention.  They're songs that deserve it.   For fun, I'll tie each of them to how I'm feeling currently. Time - Hans Zimmer Time is from the movie Inception, and it's beautiful.  I said in the song tag that Head Case is my favorite song, but in a different way, Time is.  There's sadness in it, but mostly resolution.  Loss behind, but a moving forward anyway.  I don't know what that will look like for me, but I know that's where I'm going. There's a version here that always makes me cry T raveling Alone - Jason Isbell When I left, I had a lot of people ask me if I would get lonely.  And very confidently, I said no.  I get lonely with other people, I don't get lonely by myse...

  I'll post a photo update later, but for now it's just words. I thought that as I talked less, due to being around no one for most of the time recently, when I finally had the chance, I would want to talk more.  And as anyone who's known me for a long time can testify, the thought of me talking more  is a scary one.   But I called my family today, and found myself actually wanting to talk less.  It was almost like I had forgotten how to find things that I thought were worth telling.  I would finish a story, or answer a question, and have no idea what to say afterwards. Now granted, there are probably two side factors that contribute to this.  First, I'm tired.  From Monday to Thursday, I was in the car for over thirty-five hours, and sitting is more exhausting than you might think.  I've also been waking up at eight no matter what time I go to sleep, which has only been before midnight one night this week.  So add those two togethe...

 I never edit. I've been blogging (intermittently, badly) since I was twelve or so, and I've always done it the same way.  I think of something I want to get around to saying, and then I walk the idea backwards while I stare at the page until I figure out where I have to start.  I start there and try to walk forward on the path I thought backward, and inevitably end up going wildly off-script while I ramble my way around my head.   I don't erase a paragraph once I've finished it.  I don't read over the post before I publish it.  I try to speak carefully, but often what I say is less than accurate.  Instead of deleting what's there, I just add more clarification.  That way, my whole thought process is laid out, which is what I'm trying to explain anyway.  I'm not just trying to say something profound, I'm trying to be understood. It's nice having the space to put myself out there in as many words as it takes, and then if people want to ta...