Running Just in Case

 So, remember how I said there should be some different content on today if all goes according to plan?  Things did not go according to plan.   Therefore, that's postponed until tomorrow, and will look different than even I thought.

Second thing is, I listed some songs yesterday, but left out one of the most important ones.  

Running Just in Case - Miranda Lambert

This was initially a post-Ferdinand era song, and defined that time in my life best.  Of all songs I've ever heard, this one best described how I felt then, in everything from the lyrics to the melody to the production.  Obviously, it doesn't have to be literal to sum up how I'm feeling (no one has a tattoo of my name, for example).

There's a wandering there, a weariness, and the kind of strength that you don't realize you had until you've exhausted every other strength, and then you get to one that seems bottomless.  

But listen to it, and see if you don't agree that there's also a disconnectedness in the emotion of it.  She feels emotion, says emotional things, but doesn't ever seem to actually get emotional.  That's with the possible exception of the two choruses, where the emotion is confined to one line that isn't actually about anyone but herself.

As someone who is frequently misdiagnosed as emotionless, I completely understand her tone here.  I only wish I could express myself as well as she does.

The real kicker, the final reason that this song is so relatable for me, comes at the very end, in these four lines:

I carry him around with me,

I don't mind having scars.

Happiness ain't prison,

But there's freedom in a broken heart.

At the time, the only line I would have thought about contesting was that third one.  Happiness, being tied to another person, had certainly made me feel like I was trapped.  The most content and free I ever felt was after me and Ferdinand broke up.

But the post-Ferdinand era was not the same as the post-LotN era.  LotN was different, to start with, and when we broke up he was someone I wanted to be tied to.  

Yet here I am, on the road like I wanted to be after Ferdinand, and it's a completely different experience than that would have been.  That was recovery.  This is growth, and because of that, it comes with some pain.  And this is pain that I actually feel, instead of just knowing that it's present.

So Running Just in Case isn't a perfect fit now.  But it's pretty dang close.