I Get Restless

  Alright, Anna, let's talk.  So you hate yourself.  Why? It's not like you always have.  You never understood it in your younger days, how a person could really hate themselves, because you never did.  What's changed? Maybe there's just more to hate.  Maybe you were fine before, and now you're not.  It started with Ferdinand, when your insecurities came up in ugly ways, and you looked at yourself for the first time and thought I don't know or like this person . So maybe it's because one guy (okay, two) decided you weren't enough.  But so what?  You always knew from your older siblings that you weren't enough.  You learned to be okay with that.  You got through it with yourself, and didn't break up in the middle.  You were okay. But...your older siblings stayed.  They never left you because you weren't enough.  They loved you anyway, because they had to.  Because they're family.  It's okay to not be enough w...

 I never edit. I've been blogging (intermittently, badly) since I was twelve or so, and I've always done it the same way.  I think of something I want to get around to saying, and then I walk the idea backwards while I stare at the page until I figure out where I have to start.  I start there and try to walk forward on the path I thought backward, and inevitably end up going wildly off-script while I ramble my way around my head.   I don't erase a paragraph once I've finished it.  I don't read over the post before I publish it.  I try to speak carefully, but often what I say is less than accurate.  Instead of deleting what's there, I just add more clarification.  That way, my whole thought process is laid out, which is what I'm trying to explain anyway.  I'm not just trying to say something profound, I'm trying to be understood. It's nice having the space to put myself out there in as many words as it takes, and then if people want to ta...