Owning the Blame
I never edit.
I've been blogging (intermittently, badly) since I was twelve or so, and I've always done it the same way. I think of something I want to get around to saying, and then I walk the idea backwards while I stare at the page until I figure out where I have to start. I start there and try to walk forward on the path I thought backward, and inevitably end up going wildly off-script while I ramble my way around my head.
I don't erase a paragraph once I've finished it. I don't read over the post before I publish it. I try to speak carefully, but often what I say is less than accurate. Instead of deleting what's there, I just add more clarification. That way, my whole thought process is laid out, which is what I'm trying to explain anyway. I'm not just trying to say something profound, I'm trying to be understood.
It's nice having the space to put myself out there in as many words as it takes, and then if people want to take the time to see the finished product, they can. The problem (and of course there is a problem) is that this process isn't just confined to my blog.
I do it when I talk too. If I have strong feelings about something, but I'm not sure what those feelings are or what I think about them, I'll talk until I feel like the sum of what I've said is equal to the truth. And again, I try to be careful, but sometimes I don't say it accurately. Everything is true in some way, or at least expresses something that I really feel, but it's so hard to get the whole truth out there in a way that someone else is going to get.
Even worse, I say it like I'm certain. How am I supposed to test something unless I present it in its sharpest form? It comes out like a law when I know it's just a theory. And somehow, I expect people to give me the benefit of the doubt and know that getting to the bottom of things is a process that takes time and lots of missteps.
It's a very humbling thing to face the fact that it is my own fault when others misunderstand me. How are they to know the difference between my knowing and my thinking? They see only what I present. I am the problem. And if I say something, I should expect that to be taken seriously. I shouldn't think that what I say next will negate it in any way. Who knows if the next thing I say will even be heard.
The truth is, I'm incredibly spoiled. I've lived my life with the same people, people who watched me grow up and shaped me and were shaped by me, and can give me the benefit of the doubt even when they don't understand me. More than that, I've lived my life with people who I know I won't lose. My relationship with my family isn't dependent on how we feel about each other. It's dependent on the fact that we're related and are therefore contractually obligated to love each other.
That's how most of my friendships are too. This is one of those things that will probably be misunderstood, but I'm usually only intellectually aware of how much I care about my friends. My feelings about them, though real, easily fly under the radar. I know I enjoy their company because I find myself sticking around with them instead of going home and reading a book. I know I trust them because I tell them things. I know I care about them because I do things for them. I don't feel those things, I show them to myself. And when I call someone a friend, I'm committing myself to continuing those behaviors.
That was a bit of a rabbit trail. What I was trying to get around to is that I've been spoiled with friends who are as loyal to me as I am to them. There's really no good reason for it. All I can say is that the Lord has blessed me immeasurably and far beyond anything I deserve.
And because of that, I can't resent it when I do lose people because of my own many flaws. That I don't expect it is not a sign of God's injustice, but of his great mercy. By his grace, my friends have loved me despite my sins and weaknesses. In his providence, others do not. The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away; blessed be the name of the Lord.
I am the one who speaks carelessly when I claim to be thoughtful. I am the one who has the arrogance to act like everyone will be willing to put the time and effort into hearing me reveal myself. I lost LotN because of myself, not because of him.
And that hurts kind of a lot, but I know God is using this to sanctify me, and for that I'm grateful. Better that I'm nurtured through pain than that I live in comfort and never grow. Whatever I doubt, I can always trust that God is good.
You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
you discern my thoughts from afar.
You search out my path and my lying down
and are acquainted with all my ways.
Even before a word is on my tongue,
behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.
You hem me in, behind and before,
and lay your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
it is high; I cannot attain it.
Where shall I go from your Spirit?
Or where shall I flee from your presence?
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