Just Words

 

I'll post a photo update later, but for now it's just words.

I thought that as I talked less, due to being around no one for most of the time recently, when I finally had the chance, I would want to talk more.  And as anyone who's known me for a long time can testify, the thought of me talking more is a scary one.  

But I called my family today, and found myself actually wanting to talk less.  It was almost like I had forgotten how to find things that I thought were worth telling.  I would finish a story, or answer a question, and have no idea what to say afterwards.

Now granted, there are probably two side factors that contribute to this.  First, I'm tired.  From Monday to Thursday, I was in the car for over thirty-five hours, and sitting is more exhausting than you might think.  I've also been waking up at eight no matter what time I go to sleep, which has only been before midnight one night this week.  So add those two together, and it equals weariness.  The second factor is the nature of what I've been doing.  Again, thirty-five hours in the car.  It hasn't been boring, and it hasn't been unenjoyable, but it also hasn't been extremely exciting most of the time.  And while my thoughts have been in the moment, they haven't extended to that moment afterwards.  What ties this trip together hasn't been the travel moments, but the in between time.  The thirty-five hours of thinking.

And what does Anna have to think about?

Shortly before this trip, LotN told someone that it seemed like I was trying to run away from something.  That bugged me for a little bit because I knew it was wrong, I just couldn't rationalize why.  I think I can now.

There are three main things that I wanted from this trip.  I'll list them from least to most important (but they're all very important).

3.  A break from work

I was exhausted even before I took this trip.  I was struggling to feel motivated anymore, and really trying to come to terms with what I was doing there and why.  I wanted a break, but also hoped I might be able to devote some of my thoughtspace to how I wanted to work moving forward.

2.  To process what happened with LotN

This is the thing that first spurred me onto thinking about this trip, although I don't remember if I even knew it at the time.  Let's do a deep dive into emotions.

Here's the history of my feelings about LotN, starting just post-breakup.  At first, I was determined that it would be a proper break-up; therefore, I would properly ignore my feelings (as well as him), and carry on with life.  I cried for several days (even got paid to cry while I was at work! Score!), believing that we had done the right thing, and therefore I would come to terms with it, whether or not I felt like it.

That is not what happened.  Instead, I started thinking more, and realized that I had rushed things.  That I had made a mistake, a painful, bitter, regrettable mistake.  And when I'm in pain, I don't just think, "Ah, pain.  That sucks."  No, I want to fix it.  It feels unnatural.  This is, of course, also a commentary on how easy my life has been.  (Not that I haven't been in pain, because I certainly have.  I just usually am actually able to do something to fix it.)

So I was able to partially set the pain to the side, because now I had a mission.  Now I would simply undo what I had done.

Not so simple.  That's a two-way street, and I was the only one who wanted to go down it.  Not that I blame him; I don't think I ever had that right, and if I had, I certainly would have given it up by now.  My frustration, with the situation, and with his rejection (bluntly put), and mostly myself, came out in biting ways.  Instead of being graceful, I was determined.  I fell victim to one of the classic blunders.  I would list all the blunders, but there's some vulnerability that's unpleasant even to the reader.

So moving on.  I had been shut down.  So now I had to finish the processing that I had paused.  I had to let myself feel the pain and come to terms with what had happened and what was never going to happen.

But again, I don't like pain, and I had somehow managed to put it on the back burner.  Why would I bring it to the front and start stirring it now?

Adding to the difficulty, I was still around him often.  So what would have been a heart-piercer (not to put it dramatically, or anything) instead became another reason to grow harder.  To not really, fully feel what I needed to.

So in a way, I guess I really did run away from him.  I ran away from him so that I could get closer to my emotions and, eventually, process them in a healthy way.  I ran to feel more, not less.

I'm not going to read over what I wrote up there, but I think I wrote "feel" a lot.  Sorry about that.

1.  To grow closer to God

This is the big clincher.  With everything that was going on in my life, daily devotions were becoming more of an afterthought.  At a time when I should have been running to Christ even more, I was actually doing it less, so caught up in my own thoughts and feelings that I wasn't going to "the rock that is higher than I." (Psalm 62:2)  I wanted to feel my dependence on him more, and in the weakness of my flesh, wasn't applying myself to that well at home.

So I left the subtle distractions of home.  Family, friends, movies, novels, etc.  I loaded my devices up on sermons, and committed myself to spending hours on end with nothing to do but think, listen, and talk to God.

This area isn't ready for an update yet.  That will come later.

These have been the things on my mind.  Is it any wonder that I haven't had anything to talk about?