Who I Want to Be

 


Era: road trip

I wrote this yesterday in the bed of my truck.  I've been trying and trying to turn the little song fragments in my head into a whole work, and this was the first time I succeeded so far.  

It's certainly not perfect.  It tries to say a lot, and I think that diminishes anything it doesn't say.  As with all my songs, the goal is to capture a feeling, a moment, or a perspective as truly as I can, but there are more sides to everything.

The process of moving on is not an easy one, and not one that I want to take lightly.  I've had to be intentional in not allowing any bitterness to grow, in trying to be as accurate as possible in my recollections of the past, and to look at myself and my future in a way that's God-honoring and not melodramatic.  I knew that no matter what I did, I didn't want to move on improperly.  The wound needed to be cleaned and stitched in a straight line, not simply have a bandage slapped on it so I didn't have to see it.

Change is unstoppable; slowly but steadily, it makes itself known, flowing at once out of the past and in opposition to it.  I don't like change, but here it comes.

This is the last song tonight, so I guess it's also my last chance to say that I don't claim to be an excellent singer or songwriter.  Clearly, it's mediocre, but I hope it's taken as communicative if not entertaining.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Talking to Myself

Image
  Alright, Anna, let's talk.  So you hate yourself.  Why? It's not like you always have.  You never understood it in your younger days, how a person could really hate themselves, because you never did.  What's changed? Maybe there's just more to hate.  Maybe you were fine before, and now you're not.  It started with Ferdinand, when your insecurities came up in ugly ways, and you looked at yourself for the first time and thought I don't know or like this person . So maybe it's because one guy (okay, two) decided you weren't enough.  But so what?  You always knew from your older siblings that you weren't enough.  You learned to be okay with that.  You got through it with yourself, and didn't break up in the middle.  You were okay. But...your older siblings stayed.  They never left you because you weren't enough.  They loved you anyway, because they had to.  Because they're family.  It's okay to not be enough w...
Read more

The End - Part One

 This won't be a long post, because it's 10:23 and I'm very tired already, and I desperately want to brush my teeth, which isn't usually something I feel so strongly. Or who knows, maybe it will be long.  Anything goes at 10:23. I looked at mine and LotN's old messages tonight.  The ones he told me I should if I wanted to understand, but that I couldn't bring myself to at the time. It was an interesting experience.  I was able to relive those feelings, but at a distance, under the tempering of a little time.  It started not too unpleasantly.  My main goal was to understand more fully what I had done wrong.  The answer was more complicated than I was expecting. I hadn't done much wrong at first.  In fact, I initially found myself more frustrated with myself for how hard I was on myself than anything else.  Then things started to shift. I couldn't put my finger on how, but I felt the transition from vulnerable to uncomfortable in how I spoke....
Read more

A Musical Survey of Me

Image
With how much time I've been spending in the car lately, you can guess that I've been listening to a lot of music.  Right now, though, I'm not going to talking so much about what I've been listening to overall, but instead bringing a few specific songs to your attention.  They're songs that deserve it.   For fun, I'll tie each of them to how I'm feeling currently. Time - Hans Zimmer Time is from the movie Inception, and it's beautiful.  I said in the song tag that Head Case is my favorite song, but in a different way, Time is.  There's sadness in it, but mostly resolution.  Loss behind, but a moving forward anyway.  I don't know what that will look like for me, but I know that's where I'm going. There's a version here that always makes me cry T raveling Alone - Jason Isbell When I left, I had a lot of people ask me if I would get lonely.  And very confidently, I said no.  I get lonely with other people, I don't get lonely by myse...
Read more